Happy Birthday, Mom <3

Last night was a bad night. She never gives full details, but I’m pretty sure her mental competency trial was yesterday, and she told me she read the letters we wrote to the judge and district attorney that explain her condition. Needless to say, she wasn’t happy, and the pain, anger, and fear in her voice was palpable when she called repeatedly in the middle of the night.

I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but it’s her reality that drives ours… and my heart breaks every time she reminds me what I’ve done to her.

Today marks the beginning of Mental Health Awareness month. Today also marks the beginning of my mother’s homelessness.

According to the Mental Illness Policy Organization, people with untreated psychiatric illnesses comprise one-third of the homeless population. My mom suffers from Paranoid Personality Disorder and Delusional Disorder, and she has no insight into her condition and thus refuses treatment. It’s been more destructive to her and to our family than any kind of cancer.

Take some time to learn something this month as we continue to find hope for those who struggle with this every day of their lives.

watercol0urs:

Tomorrow is Suicide Awareness Day – write “love”on your wrist or wear something yellow to how your support for those who have self-harmed, thought of suicide or attempted suicide. Or succeeded in taking their own life. R.I.P to all the beautiful lost souls

If you any of you ever feel suicidal or even just sad feel free to message me because people care, I care and you matter<3

Maybe I will…the tragedy of suicide touches so many.

On Mother’s Day…

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there – I am lucky to know so many great ones! I don’t like to get too depressing or emo on here, but of course I’ve been thinking about my own mother, and missing her…because overall, it feels like I don’t have one.

My mother is alive, but not well – and not in the traditional sense. In many ways it would be much simpler if she was dying of some physical ailment, but instead, she’s suffering from debilitating mental illness, which is equally as real and even more horrifying in its manifestation – not to mention far more damaging to our relationships, self-esteem, and family as a whole…

It’s a long, confusing story that basically comes down to paranoid delusional and psychotic disorders, suicide attempts, depression, and anxiety. The worst part of it is that she doesn’t think she’s sick, refuses treatment, and has shut my dad, sister, and I out because she thinks we have contributed to or downright caused her delusional state of misery, fear, and loneliness. Worse yet – I can barely remember a time when she was happy, and what made her great as a mom (because once upon a time, she was…)

Anyway, I don’t want to dwell much on the matter, and I don’t want to pity myself. It’s truly her that suffers most. I just wanted say how much I miss her, and struggle to remember better times while also trying to move on and accept that she will never get better, but most likely worse… continuing to cope with the fact that she blames me for her situation, and however much I know intellectually that it’s not real, it is very real to her… and that’s all that really matters. Unfortunately, her reality drives this, not ours. In her mind, I have hurt her, and we both have to live with that.

Mom, you are far from us physically, mentally, and emotionally, but even though I try to forget you and all that has happened, I will always love you. Happy Mother’s Day ❤